So I'm on my way to work, after just having a delicious lasagna from Trifon's, and something wasn't right. Something in the combination of the just woken up, the massive amounts of coffee from working nights the night before, the walking around, and the just ate all came together. It clicked. It was magic.
Driving in my little golf cart I call a car, my stomach rumbles, louder than the radio. I immediately burn a U-Ball in order to get my ass home ASAP.
like this, only less cool, and with more peristalsis
I can barely think anymore, although I do know a few things:
My ass is ready to explode
I have 4 maybe 5 minutes tops
If I don't get home, and I have to unleash this unholy terror in a public bathroom, it's technically a contravention of the Geneva Code
And trust me, you DO NOT fuck with the U.N.
Christ Almighty! A Key-Knot! Why are they so indistinct?!?!
Fumble with the keys, get the house key out....35 seconds...Shit! forgot about the deadbolt, thank god it's the same key...25 seconds...trip over the dog...15 seconds...down the hall...
10 seconds...hit the can...
9...pants down...
8...toilet paper, there's none!...
7....pants up...
6...out the door...
5...frantically grab new roll...
4...back on toilet...
3...sudden horrifying realization...
2...stand up...
1...pants down, sit down
sweet Jeebus it burns!
It was without a doubt the most horrifying bathroom experience I've ever had. That being said, I've never been in the stall next to former Senator Larry Craig (which I imagine would be worse). Minutes feel like hours, but the terrifying ordeal finally ends. I get up, and look down, fully expecting to see one or both of my kidneys in the bowl. Instead I find...
Nothing.
I don't get it, clearly everything is as if an epic dump happened...the stink, the wipe, the plop, even the sweet relief, but there's nothing there!
Never will the Bermuda Triagle toilet mystery be solved, and frankly, just like how magnets work, it's probably best if humanity never solves the mystery.
